I have 3 teenage girls and through all this chaos I have learned a few things about how to live in the same house and actually get along. All 3 were really tough in 8th and 9th grade. It seems they are attempting to assert their independence at this age. It felt like toddlers were back in the house in big bodies with terrible tantrums. I let all 3 have some space but learned that the more they push us away the more they actually need us to draw near.
They Build Walls
So how do you draw them in when they put up a wall and push us out? I did an informal survey of several mom friends and relatives. The best piece of advice I received was to be impromptu and not plan to hang out because your teen always says no. Ask a spur of the moment “want to go get coffee with me in 10 minutes?” I tried it and it works.
The Impromptu Adventure
This week I asked my 18-year-old if she wanted to drive to Denver so I could meet up with an old friend. She did! We went and my friend got tied up at work so it was just me and my teen. I let her pick where we would get coffee. I had never seen her smile that way. We discovered such a unique coffee shop. She had so much fun directing our time and picking stores to shop and restaurants for our snack time. We spent 3 hours together and I learned so much about her. It was not only unexpected but better than I could have ever imagined.
Clarity about How to Connect with my Teen
Every kid is different in what they like to do. All three of my girls like to go get coffee or boba tea. One loves going to the art store to look at pens. Another enjoys a quick round of rummy or a walk to the dam. And the last loves to chat in her room or go get ice cream. It took a lot of trial and error to figure out what works and what each of my kids likes to do. They change over time but one thing is for sure, they do like and even need one on one time with both mom and dad.
Learn to Trust
I have had to learn to trust my teens. That is really scary when they do not have the experience, maturity or fear that we have. It took time to let them know I trust them, even though I may not trust the situation. They thought I was making it up. Afterall, most teens are very insecure and immature. For example when at concerts or other crowded events where people party they should keep all snacks and beverages within sight and keep drinks with a cap on it. People dump pills into anything. A few of my friends have had kids get drugged via food and beverage. It is scary but I cannot keep my child in a bubble. I want them to have a healthy skepticism and awareness without living in fear. I hope you will invest in your teen and through trial and error find a couple special things you can do together to connect.
Conversation Starters
Here is a list of conversation starters (Click Here). I know it is important to ask the right questions so you do not look nosy or insensitive. I have tried a lot of these over the years with all three of my girls and threw out the ones where they rolled their eyes! I will add my thoughts to some of these and we really debate why we select certain things or find we have similarities. It is such a fun way to connect.
Get creative and have fun learning about your teen. It may seem that they do not want to talk to us, but if you ask these types of questions the questions feel less interrogating and allow for creative answers.