I have 3 teenage daughters and through the chaos I learned a few things about how to live in the same house and actually get along. All 3 were really tough to parent in 8th and 9th grade. The moods swings, door slamming and tantrums were unbearable at times. They seemed to be testing their independence (just like a 2-year-old). It felt like toddlers were back in the house in big bodies with terrible tantrums. I let all 3 daughters have space. I learned that the more they push us away the more they actually need us to draw near.
They Build Walls
So how do you draw them in when they put up a wall and push us out? I did an informal survey of several mom friends and relatives. The best piece of advice I received was to be impromptu. Whenever I tried to plan to hang out my teen always said no. Ask a spur of the moment “want to go get coffee with me in 10 minutes?” I tried it and it worked!
The Impromptu Adventure
This week I asked my 18-year-old if she wanted to drive to Denver so I could meet up with an old friend. She did! We went and my friend got tied up at work so it was just me and my teen. I let her pick where we would get coffee. I had never seen her smile that way. We discovered such a unique coffee shop. She had so much fun directing our time and picking stores to shop and restaurants for our snack time. We spent 3 hours together and I learned so much about her. It was not only unexpected but better than I could have ever imagined.
Find Their Interests
Every kid is different in what they like to do. All three of my girls like to go get coffee or boba tea. One loves going to the art store to look at pens. Another enjoys a quick round of rummy or a walk to the dam. And the last loves to chat in her room or go get ice cream. Take time to find something special you can do with your child.
They Need One on One Time
It took a lot of trial and error to figure out what each kid liked to do. It was also eye opening to find what they were willing to do with me. Just because they enjoy doing something with their friends doesn’t mean they will do that adventure with you. Kid’s interests change over time, but one thing is for sure, they like and even need one on one time with both mom and dad. It doesn’t have to be a 3 hour ordeal, but take at least a walk or a 10 minute card game every once in a while. More frequent short bursts of quality time are enough and they build a foundation for trust.
Learn to Trust
Learning to trust my teen was probably one of the most difficult things I have done in my parenting time. It is really scary when they do not have the experience, maturity or fear that we have. It took time to let them know I trusted them, even though I may not trust the situation they were in. When they were learning to drive they would get mad if I made comments or suggestions. They thought I didn’t trust them. I explained how I knew they could drive and make smart choices however, other drivers are unpredictable.
Sharing Life Lessons
I love to share things my friends or I have experienced to use as a “teachable moment”. Life lessons are important but kids think we are “old and dumb”. After one particular story of a spiked drink at a party, they said I was I was making it up. A few of my friends have had kids get drugged via food and beverages so I always remind my kids that they should keep all snacks within sight and have drinks with caps. People dump pills into anything.
The Teen Bubble
Later something similar happened to their friend and they understood what to do. Life can be scary but parents cannot keep their kids in a bubble. The real value is teaching them healthy skepticism and awareness without living in fear. They should be cautious yet feel like they can contact you when in trouble.
The Car Chase
One night my 2 oldest daughters were in their bathroom whispering. My mommy ears heard something suspicious so I went to chat. I asked what was up. They clearly did not want to tell me. I promised I would not get mad that I just wanted to listen and help. They got into a car chase with a kid (whose house they were tp-ing) and his dad who were both in cars chasing them all over town. They jumped in my neighbor’s yard and she woke up. The dad followed them there and asked for them to clean his yard. My neighbor didn’t tell the man who my kids and their friends were (car was parked down the street) but said they would clean up the mess. They did go over and clean it up. I was just relieved they were home safe. I giggled and said we would talk more tomorrow. It is ok to push off discipline or a deeper conversation so everyone has time to calm down.
Punishment
I decided not to punish them. They come to me for everything now. We talk through things and decide together the best steps to take. Sometimes we even discuss a punishment and if it is deserved and why. The car chase is a funny story we often joke about – now. I still pray daily for my kids and God really gets me through it all. Teens are difficult but add a wonderful spark and challenge to the daily grind.
Conversation Starters
Here is a list of conversation starters (Click Here) my husband and I have used with our 3 kids. I know it is important to ask the right questions so you do not look nosy or insensitive. I have tried a lot of conversation starters over the years and threw out the ones where they rolled their eyes! Sometimes we really debate why we select certain things or find we have similarities. It may seem like they do not want to talk to us, but if you ask the right questions without judgement or interrogation you may learn something new!
