I was listening to a podcast and what the guy said really bothered me. He said that we spend our entire adult lives undoing what was done during our childhood. Is that true? I suppose in a sense it is.
Childhood is the time in our lives that is crucial for brain development. The way we were treated in childhood matters and can affect us the rest of our lives. Every single event and relationship we live through is stored in our subconscious.
So what is the secret on how to raise children who can get through life’s difficulties?
Resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back after challenges and tough times. As a parent you can nurture and model this.
The teens who hang out at my house often complain about their parents. I just tell them that someday they can be the parent they wanted in their own life; but this time they are the parent. We can choose to keep some of the practices of our parents, or develop our own ways but it is in our own power to do the right thing.
1 – Seek Wisdom
In my own journey through motherhood, I have tried many approaches in hopes of finding the right recipe to raise a resilient child. As moms, we think we have to do it alone but we don’t. Seeking wisdom from others strengthens our parenting.
Seek God, immediate family, extended family, neighbors, friends, the church, pastors, counselors, teachers, coaches, and anyone else willing to be an encouragement to your child.
2 – Social Support
Social support is valuable to our self-esteem, resilience, and motivation. Human existence is relational for a reason…we were never meant to do life alone. Feeling supported makes a world of difference. Help your children feel supported by being there for them. Attend their activities, listen to what they say and let them be who they are.
3 – Unconditional Love (Faith)
Love will take your children further than anything else in life. Children need unconditional love because they are learning and they will make mistakes. They need to feel accepted regardless of their achievements. They also need to know that they are loved no matter what choices they make.
The bible emphasizes love. I’m convinced that asking our children, “What would Jesus do?”, rather than, “What would Jesus think” is an example of how to love. One word differentiates developing positive character versus living life for others’ acceptance. This will be a huge factor in the way our children take (or leave) their faith into adulthood. It will also be a huge factor in establishing resilience for life.
1 Corinthians 13:13 If you are going to fault in parenting, fault in loving too much.
4 – Help Them Find “Their Thing”.
When a child feels accomplished in doing something they enjoy, it builds them up and gives them purpose. It also helps them find a place to belong. This could be a sport, an art, a musical instrument, etc. God gives us all different gifts; we just need to find and embrace them.
I’ll never forget the change that occurred when my daughter found “her thing”. She literally tried every club and sport and never really loved any of it. I finally asked her to get an after-school job. Her confidence soared, her mood lifted, she came out of her shell and made many friends and continues to do so. It may not be the thing you expected.
5 – The Family Meal
Research shows that if we have just one meal together a day as a family (it doesn’t matter which meal or if every family member is there), we build resilience in our children.
You get to take time to really listen and learn about them. Make sure they are not on their phones and that you take even 10 minutes to check in.
6 – The Gift of Laughter
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” –Proverbs 31:25
If you can teach your children to look for the humor in life, that light will follow them through life’s valleys and seriously dark places. Laughter is a free means of an escape into candid mindfulness. It reminds us that things won’t stay bad forever.
Am I saying to laugh when we are in the pit? Absolutely. Laughter has followed me into the hospital, with friends at their low points and with people who have lost someone. It’s not the crazy kind of laughter you might be scratching your head about… it’s the laughter that says, we have no other place to go than up so we might as well laugh our way out of here.
