I’m convinced that the parenthood learning curve never does entirely straighten out. I am still figuring out how to build and strengthen my relationships with each of my 3 daughters who are 15, 17 and 19. But with almost 2 decades of experience in my mom rearview mirror, here’s what I can see has created a strong connection between us thus far, and what I trust will continue to strengthen the ties that bind us in the future.
1. Be The Parent
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)
Too many times, especially with teens, I see the parent trying to be the friend, after all that is the easier path. I try to keep the parent calling squarely in my sights during some of their more challenging years. Friendship will come when they are adults.
2. Have Compassion
“Like a parent has compassion for their children— that’s how the LORD feels compassion for those who honor him.” Exodus 20:17 (NLT)
I want my daughters to see, by my words and actions, that what matters to them matters to me and that what bothers them bothers me, at least on their behalf. I may not completely understand what they are feeling but I can have compassion.
3. Assign Value to Your Differences
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14 (NLT)
We ought to be careful that we do not appear to be merely putting up with those things about our children that are different from ourselves, especially when we do not understand or particularly like those differences. As long as God’s standard is not being compromised, our children’s unique personalities, personal preferences, style choices, interests, and ways of approaching life are facets of their fearfully and wonderfully made selves we need to value in tangible ways.
Perhaps we seek our child’s perspective on a matter. Maybe we ask them to show us how to do something. We might initiate time together built around one of their interests. By investing our time, curiosity, and resources into our relationship, we communicate to our child that we value who they are and what they love.
4. Reinforce the Good
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8 (NLT)
Sometimes there are things we want from our children that we don’t get from them. So, when they give us something we’d like more of, we’re wise to put a grateful exclamation point on it.
5. Boldly Pray for your Relationship
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” John 14:13-14 (NLT)
A year ago, I was getting ready to head over to my sister’s house to join an extended-family gathering already in progress. As I was getting ready I got a text from my older daughter: “do you want me to get you some of that dip you like? I’m worried it’s going to be all gone when you get there.” I’ve known and cared for and loved my daughter her entire life. But in that moment (and not for the first or last time), I felt known, cared for, and loved by her, too. It was as if I was standing back a little distance and gazing at a beautiful relationship that we’d been building together and adding onto all this time.