I’m convinced that the parenthood learning curve never does entirely straighten out. I am still figuring out how to build and strengthen my relationships with each of my 3 daughters. The journey of motherhood is a path filled with love, sacrifice, and hard work! Being a mother has shown me that every sleepless night, every comforting hug, and every milestone achieved by my daughter is absolutely worth it.
With 2 decades of experience in my mom rearview mirror, here’s what I can see has created a strong connection between us thus far, and what I trust will continue to strengthen the ties that bind us in the future.
1 – Be The Parent
While it’s important for parents to have a positive and supportive relationship with their teenagers, they should prioritize their role as parents over trying to be their friend. This means setting boundaries, providing guidance, ensuring safety and well-being, and preparing teens for adulthood while maintaining a respectful and authoritative stance in the parent-child relationship.
Too many times, especially with teens, I see parents trying to be a friend, after all that is the easier path. I was tempted to take the easier route of friendship during some of their more challenging years, however that day does come. Having teenagers is very trying but if you continue to parent in a Godly way your kids will turn out just fine.
“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)
2 – Have Compassion
I want my daughters to see by my words and actions that what matters to them matters to me and that what bothers them bothers me, at least on their behalf. I may not completely understand what they are feeling but I can have compassion.
Show compassion by empowering your daughter to make her own decisions and choices. Encourage her to take ownership of her life and learn from her mistakes. Offer guidance and advice when asked, but respect her autonomy. Compassion involves holding back on judgment and criticism. Try not to be overly critical or judgmental when your daughter makes mistakes or faces challenges. Instead, offer guidance and support to help her learn and grow from her experiences.
“Like a parent has compassion for their children— that’s how the LORD feels compassion for those who honor him.” Exodus 20:17 (NIV)
3 – Value to Your Differences
Be careful that we do not appear to be merely putting up with those things about our children that are different from ourselves, especially when we do not understand or particularly like those differences. Our daughters’ unique personalities, personal preferences, style choices, interests, and ways of approaching life are facets of their unique selves we need to value in tangible ways.
Recognize and respect her differences by showing genuine interest in what she has to say. Give her your full attention when she wants to talk. Avoid interrupting or passing judgment on her thoughts and feelings. Validate her emotions and experiences, even if you don’t agree with them.
“For you created my inner being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)
4 – Feed Your Common Connections
Dedicate one-on-one time for activities you both enjoy like jogging, painting, or going for coffee. Create special rituals or traditions that are unique to your relationship and honor who she is. These moments are the ones you will look back on and smile. Engage in activities that encourage open communication, like taking walks or cooking together.
Foster an environment where she feels comfortable discussing anything with you. Be present in the moment and put away distractions like phones and work-related matters during your quality time. Encourage her to ask questions and express her thoughts and concerns. Be honest with her, but also age-appropriate in your explanations. Practice active communication, both by talking and by setting a positive example.
“Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called.” Ephesians 4:3-4 (NIV)
5 – Boldly Pray for your Relationship
Pray from your heart, speaking honestly and authentically. Share your hopes, fears, and desires for your child. Use your own words and emotions to convey your deepest feelings. Trust that your prayers are heard and that the best outcomes will unfold, even if they don’t align with your expectations. Believe in the power of your prayers and have faith that they can make a difference. Approach your prayers with confidence and conviction.
As your daughter grows into an adult she may surprise you with knowing who you are as a person. This blessing is something you may not even pray about. My daughters decided to take me to a concert for my birthday. We have been to 1 other concert together and we all had such a great time. They know I love spending time together and trying new experiences. It was as if I was standing back a little distance and gazing at a beautiful relationship, one we’d been building together and adding onto all that time.
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” John 14:13-14 (NIV)
By investing our time, love, and resources into our relationship, we communicate to our daughters that we value who they are and what they value. Keep communication honest and open. Keep praying! They will get through it, and so will you!