As moms, we think we have to do it all. But really, a family is a team. God brought us all together to be there for one another. There are 3 important things to instill in your children as they grow up to help make your family the healthiest it can be and to teach them how to have their own healthy family someday.
What does a healthy family relationship look?
In healthy family relationships, people trust and rely on each other for support, love, affection and warmth. Families often share common goals and work together to reach those goals (for example, children and young people may help their families get the dinner dishes done so that everyone can relax, or they may help make a meal plan for the week). Healthy families have a genuine commitment to each other, which is shown through: Feeling safe and secure with each other, trusting each other and keeping promises.
1. Be Present
It is really important to be there. My husband always says that half the job is showing up. In other words, make regular time for face-to-face conversations with each other. When you do talk with your spouse or children, give your full attention, listen carefully to the details and ask questions to learn more. It’s easy to become a lazy listener to family members because you unconsciously think you know everything there is to know about them. But there is a whole inner world of ideas, thoughts and emotions that are sprouting up each day that you will only learn about if you are curious and attentive.
In fact, try being deliberately curious. Every day, make one attempt to tap into that inner world of each family member. You will learn things you never imagined and feel closer to them as a result. I ask my kids questions like what was the best part of the day? Or what do you hope to happen today?
Nothing is off the table. Sometimes we have a family discussion about an incident that happened that day. For example, my daughter was having lots of friend drama. I asked her two sisters how they would handle the situation. I gave my input as did my husband. We debated a bit as to why some things might work with this individual and other things may not. She felt better and had a plan of how to handle this kid the next day at school.
2. Be Honest
Honesty is a key element in a healthy relationship.
Expressing your individuality helps your loved ones learn to trust who you are. If you are honest about how you feel in all situations, your loved ones can learn to trust your words whether they agree with what you say or not. If there is a healthy sense of trust then you can count on the other members to hold to what they say.
Give your kids a chance to be independent. Do not do everything for them or they will think you do not trust them. Admit when you are wrong and apologize.
One thing that hinders honestly in parent child relationships is that kids are afraid to get into trouble. Be honest that they will still face consequences but if they are caught lying the consequences will be worse. Often when my older child does something wrong, she is harder on herself than I ever would be. We talk about appropriate consequences and then we move forward.
3. Be Reliable
Kids today are flighty and afraid of commitments. They do not plan ahead and they change plans way too often. My kids are constantly disappointed by those they cannot count on.
Make sure you are reliable. Do not overpromise or overcommit to your family or others. Teach your kids how to follow through on what they say they will do and hold them accountable.
When my daughter was 12, she was invited to a birthday party. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go but told the girl yes. Then someone else invited her to something she deemed more fun. She was going to switch her plans (so many do this now) but I reminded her that she made a commitment and the other girl was counting on her. She ended up having a good time at that party and even met a new friend. The other party had lots of drama and tears (according to my friend whose child went). Sometimes things just work out.
How to Get It
Model this behavior. What if you did not have the best example growing up to know how to model this?
A friend of mine is a married mom with three young children. She is wrestling with that very dilemma: how to create a relationally healthy home environment for her children when she did not have one herself growing up.
Here’s how she put it:
I grew up in a family that was very unhealthy and it didn’t give me a very good model of what I’m supposed to do as a parent. Now that I have my own family (husband and three children) I find that I am often at a loss to know how to create a warm, close family environment. I don’t really know what a healthy family is supposed to look like.
As I told her, it takes a lot of honesty to admit that you lack the emotional or relational skills to build the type of family you ideally want. But the good news is that those emotional and relational skills can be learned, even in adulthood. They might not come as easily as they would have if they were taught to you as a child, but with practice they can become a regular part of your family life.
Keep Trying
A healthy family encourages a sense of positive individual and family identity by having members who are present, honest and reliable. These behaviors foster satisfying and fulfilling interactions among all members. It is a process so just keep trying and do not be afraid to admit when you goofed.